The Paradoxical Journey

I feel as if I’ve been trapped in a dream but I’m awake, my mind my thoughts are yet in a fog.  I keep asking myself “Is this real”? Maybe I need to understand what defines reality.  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, reality is a real event, entity, or state of affairs. This definition wasn’t much help so I’ve decided to go back and try to unravel my thoughts my beliefs.

it’s funny in a way, this journey will go back in time so I can understand how I got here. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs I’m feel all alone now, only His love to shield me, trapped in a world that’s a distorted reality. The thought of this song makes a smile, remembering some of my precious moments in childhood. I have always felt there were more answers to the questions inside of me. The answers or explanations I received did not make sense, they were not always logical. As I examine what is suppose to be reality, I have come to believe I’ve been trapped in a paradox, in a distorted world; a world I knew was not reality this kind of world was never meant to be. The million dollar question why or how does such a world exist?

It was easy being married to the first man. He loved me and we cherished the time spent together. We were one but separate, we had the same ideals yet different ways of execution. We enjoyed each other’s company. We looked forward to our walks with All. He would visit us mostly in the cool of the evening. He was sincerely interested in our thoughts and every aspect of our lives, no matter how minute it may have appeared to us, He truly cared. Even though he spent more time with Adam, I did not mind because it gave me time to reflect on me, and who was I? What was I, what was life? We were the caregivers we were the Keepers the Guardians of this magnificent realm. Each creature was name to reflect its own character; our home was designed to reflect the love and happiness. This realm was designed with Adam in mind. All loved Adam and had given him the responsibility of naming all creatures. Every creature had a helpmeet, a partner. All did not wish for Adam to be alone; so he caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep. Because of him I now exist and together we became the curators of the realm. We did all we could to have it reflect the goodness, love and power of All. All loved us and we loved Him.

Adam and I were not aware of the conspiracy going on for the control of All’s heavenly realm. We did not know we were hated and we would never understand why. To us all was right in our realm.

We were free to roam wherever we wanted we respected the Sabbath and like All we rested on that day. All created all and we could eat what he created and all we desired. We were forbidden to eat from the tree in the midst of the garden. One tree was the tree of life the other one, the forbidden on was the tree of knowledge. To be like a god was to know of good and evil. Death would be the punishment for disobedience. I knew not what this death was and did not concern myself with it.

I loved being my husband’s helpmate I loved our beautiful home. Because of him being created in the image of All and I from him, I knew patience, I knew kindness, I know humility, I knew oneness, I did not know hunger or thirst; I did not know pain or sorrow; I did not know hate or distain. I did not know confusion, I did not know uncertainty or skepticism; I only knew what was, I knew love, I knew happiness. There were no record or wrongs, there was no anger, there was no dishonor, there was no disobedience, there was no evil and there was no self it was always we, us, and ours. The truth of All connects us with him. All created truth so we may be linked to Him. I have a soul and a spirit which resides in this vessel called body, therefore I am three in one a soul, spirit and body. I knew not untruth or deception so I knew completeness. I was complete.  Eve  (712)  (1Corinthians 13:4-8)

I am the first man; I was created in the His likeness. The reason I and I alone was created was to establish the foundation for truth. The truth is and was there is only one true God.  Kol  is everything He is the god above all gods, therefore he is God. Without Him there would be absolutely nothing. I am in His image and likeness. I was given a measure of His attributes.  As I grew in His favor the stronger my attributes became.  There is only one God and he created me, first man.  He counseled within himself, let us make man. I am also considered a god because I am a reflection of God. Because I am a created reflection of All, my thoughts and desires were to be like All’s.

There is no doubt in my mind that All loved me. He never forced me to do anything, therefore what was required of me I did willingly. He walked with me in the cool of the day, He knew my heart, my life was not my own I gladly gave all to him because to him I owed all, without him there would be no me.  I would have presented my life my way of doing things as a gift, it gave me pleasure to please Him. I knew I could do nothing without him. I was set aside I was not like the other sons of All.  Yes, He created us all and I enjoyed visiting heaven and seeing them function in their various rolls.  I loved learning how and why All created the heavens and the Earth.  I was fascinated how the luminaires function. The Angels were fascinating they were made of pure fire I was formed from the dust of the earth, He breathed into me life. He created a body for His spirit to dwell within me we each had a mind and free will. Oh how I adore Him.  We all had our place our function we all were equally loved by All.

All made sure I was taught properly under His instructions and guidance. There was so much to learn and I was aware of my limitations I could only perceive so much at a time. I enjoyed learning. My actions were based on the actions I saw in All. The love and happiness the illuminated form the others made my soul sing we all enjoyed being in the presence of the Most High it was our will to do His will.

In the garden I was alone with my thoughts and it was mesmerizing to watch the animals and their mates. All in wisdom saw it was not good for me to be alone; He caused me to fall into a deep sleep it was nothing like my normal sleep. When I awoke He presented me my helpmate she was like me yet unlike be she was a part of me and I knew I loved her, I called her Eve.

I loved my wife as much as I could love anything. Love is powerful learning to love someone is a humbling experience. My wife was presented to me as a helper, she filled a void that I did not realize was there she completed me. I had some one on my level I could relate to. I did not give her the time and understanding she required. I did not teach her and protect her the way I was taught and was protected. I knew better but, I thought my parting in her disobedience I was doing the right thing, I should have stood on the foundation of truth, I should have taken her before the council. I had become wise in my own mind. Why did I think my actions would solve the problem, in reality, I did not want to be the lesser being. I was the one that was given dominion over all. I knew the tree in the midst of the garden bore strange fruit, I knew what forbidden meant and I knew the penalty. I knew because I was told by the one who cannot lie. Yet I choose not to believe my decisions had consequences.

If I had been the man I was created to be, a teacher the husband I was called to be a provider and protector, I was her covering. She needed me to be strong and led by example. All I had to do was say no, I love you we must seek the Kol, He is all and He will know how to handle this. Because of my arrogance, I deliberately choose to disobey put my authority above my Kol’s. I was like my father in so many ways I was given love without question, I wanted for nothing.

It was incomprehensible to me that the creature with all his magnificent beauty and charm, that he would be a deceiver. He was the planter of the tree in the midst of the garden. He was everything that All was not he was evil personified. Why did he want what I had, he could not take my heritage or block my blessings, but I could give them to him, through disobedience. He used the one being I loved and confided in as a weapon against me. I choose to take on a battle that was all about dominion there was no need for me to take on a battle. This battle belonged to All, my father.  I choose to fight a battle that was not mine to fight.  I thought I knew what was right I thought I know the mind of All. Adam (946)

The Saga Continues

We were hated by the creature because of who we are and what we are. The Whisperer was so many things that I was not and I thought I was the only thing he loathed.  He loathed everything because of his deep resentment for All. I have never been able to comprehend this thing, this hate. In my alone time hour, he asked me if I wished to be like the Most High. I like being Adam I had no desire to be like All or the Angels. We were unique and All loved us.

It is said I mourned for my son four months. That is not necessarily the truth, I mourned for my sons the remainder of my life. It is not easy for a parent to lose a child. There are so many unanswered questions; I lost two sons on the same day. It doesn’t matter that one took the life of the other. I loved them both I will say it was the same because each was unique in their own way and so was my love.

Their demise broke my heart a death and a life compromised. Even though I knew one lived his life being trying to do right but felt his way was better and made concessions. I was still his mother. He lived his life independent from us, he was determined to as he wished, there is only so much hypocrisy I can bear, his punishment was to live as a drifter and a fugitive. The sentence did not seem to fit the transgression. I understood the reason for his punishment understood the penalty of his disobedience.

Never have I felt so torn, my son was like the deceiver, he found a that made his punishment beneficial. Everything is not as it seems.

It all started with the beguilement of who I thought was a friend. I lost my home, two sons, and the trust of my husband. I loved all the creatures, but this one was special. There was something about him that was different, he was charming, his words and actions were simply mesmerizing. I don’t know how I was drawn here so deeply so unaware so quickly, I don’t know when it happened. I trusted the creature, and he trusted me. In reality, he loathed me. I was the key to his master plan, he used my trust and naïveté as weapons against me.

It would be so easy to the creature. I know it was my fault, I misplaced my trust, my faith, in the wrong being. I desired to be what I already was. I was wise enough to know it. Because of my logical decision we were evicted from her beautiful home. Allowing my emotions to be my master, led me down a path of pain frustration loneliness and bewilderment.

First and foremost, I am a wife, they created for my husband and for him only. It saddens me to think I will be accused of sleeping with the creature of beguilement. I was my husband’s helper, bone of his bone flesh of his flesh mother of his children. This was my world my life this was all I knew.

His love for us is immeasurable, lovingly He chooses a sacrifice that covered us. Our grief over the one that willingly gave his life for us was a pain I’d never experienced but would many times over, it never got easy, because of our disobedience a life was taken, our atonement a possibility. Through all we have been through and will go through, we choose to love and honor him. He is our Kol.

I should have talked to my brother, I should have listened to our parents. I choose to listen to the whisperer, I choose to seek his advice to tell him my thoughts, my feelings. He did not care that I was not perfect. My offerings were accepted by him, I was grafted in, he became my father and me his son. This world was ours for the taking. I loved not having any rules, no boundaries.

The whisperer understood me, he listened to me, he was my friend. He knew what it was like to be the first, to be entitled but denied. I have a right to be arrogant and proud, I am the first born, I am the one to carry on the lineage, but I am treated like I am nothing. I am tired of hearing “If you just do right you will be blessed” if it takes more than what I have given, he can keep his blessings. I work from sunup to

sundown planting and harvesting crops on land that was cursed. My dearly beloved brother rest under the shade of a tree or next to the cooling water of streams while his flocks eat and drink what’s so difficult.  He chooses his best of the flocks and presents them as a sacrifice, I gave my offering from my crops and it is not accepted.  Why we gave our best.

I’m so tired of doing things All’s way.  I feel like I am all alone, I tired of being on this journey alone.

My family think I spent too much time in thought and finding ways to do things my way instead of following the rules set before us.  I want out, I wish to walk away and not look back, I do not like this tug of war that is going on in the depths of my heart, I’ve made my mind up.

Unlike All the Whisperer, understands me, I do not have to beg for his attention or acceptance.  He taught me how to build and make myself a home and not be a wandered like Kol had said. My sisters were afraid for me because this was not in line with the words of Kol. I knew deep in my heart my talent for building would be used for evil but I feared not. In the wee hours of the night he whispers to me and his words brings contentment to my soul. He reminds of what the garden is like and there is no legitimate reason we should not be there because we are gods. What I feel when I think of him is so real, I haven’t the words to describe it. I thought the enemy was crazy a fanatic; not so he knew he could not conquer family our nation if it was unified, from the beginning his tactic was the same as it was in heaven rebellion by means of division. He split the heavenly host taking a third with him. He was cunning and deceiving, he used prejudice to cripple the family. Man was not born with prejudices, envy he made them for man. He brought these emotion into existence by allowing them to overtake his thoughts. He used them as a weapon because he wanted something. I remember what my mother said he tricked angels and he tricked her because there was something to be gained. The angels that followed him gained nothing, my mother gained nothing, both lost a home they loved and loved ones. There is nothing new under the sun and nothing is as it seems. Because of my unrighteousness, I have jeopardized my FAMILY. Lying here as the morning light shines in, I can’t believe the reflections that are coming from within. As I turn my face toward the morning sun, I am reminded of a promised hope. I regret making the choice to follow the Whisper. I allowed my jealousy and unwillingness to accept the truth cloud my better judgement. When I wanted to do right, the Whisper voice was there at every turn and my pride would not allow me to ask All for help, for strength. Here I stand in silence but my mind is in turmoil missing the warm embrace of my mother the patience of my father, missing the brother I played with, at one time I loved not true I still love. I cannot bring myself to say I killed him. Am I worthy of forgiveness should I cry out requesting such? The Whisper appears and speak words; words I know are a mixture of truths and lies yet, I allow sleep to find me. Cain (1387)

I enjoyed my life when I was in the presence of Kol I could feel His love it was like a candle in darkness, except the more it burned the brighter He became. My father was a miniature version of what I saw in Kol, there were times I wish He could or would be more like Him, but his self-doubt and insecurities always got in the way. My beautiful mother full of grace and guilt, quick to forgive others but, not herself. She would smile but I could see the heaviness of her heart she blamed herself for being their expulsion from the garden. It’s strange she seemed to love my father even more because of the punishment he received. I always felt they both were to blame equally. As a child, my brother and I would listen to their stories of how beautiful the garden was and how they enjoyed dressing it, named the animals and most of all the walks and talks shared with Kol. I determined myself that I would obey, I would walk in the path of righteousness and I encouraged my brother to do so as well. I am not sure if I thought we would return to the garden and my mother would smile with sincerity and love and my father would not have to work so hard. I ignored the Whisperer, and my brother blamed Kol for everything. He could not or would not understand why man was removed from the garden why their disobedience was sin. Kol cannot be in the presence of sin and sin is disobedience. The Whisperer hated my father because when he looked at him he saw Kol. The more my father grew in faith the more he became like Kol. He did all he could to break us to break our will and destroy our faith and hope. In order to control us or destroy us he did like he had done in heaven he caused division and rebellion. My life was the price for this division and rebellion it was a price I was destined to pay. But my life source demanded justice. I will never know the joy of having a wife and children I have no one to carry on my name. I feel sorry for my brother how can you find your way when it’s dark and there is no light. He refuses to see the darkness in the Whisperer, he has mistaken truth for lie, hate for love, because he has been deceived and I am no more. Abel (427)